Little use though I have for organized religion, I have to say that one of the elements I find the most loathsome; "behave or ELSE" is coming to my aid in spades these days. An astounding number of my current clients are contemplating suicide. Our little low cost clinic is being inundated with people who have lost their jobs their homes and their families. None of them have ever seen anything as scary as this floor vanishing in the economy, and they have no faith that things will improve in a time frame they can accept. Invoking their compassion about abandoning a loved one isn't helpful because they think their loved ones would be better off without them. Their faith in a wise and benevolent God who has some mysterious and worthwhile purpose in torturing them is a wash. Needless to say the whole compassionate God thing isn't holding up so well at the moment. But even those who consider themselves utterly nonreligious can't quite seem to shake the visions of eternal damnation instilled in childhood when grandma took them to church every Sunday. THAT is enough to keep them alive.
So now I understand the wisdom of an angry, vengeful God. Somebody, somewhere knew what he was doing.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
FREE at last!!!
Finished this ghastly horrid paper I had hanging over my head. The prof screwed up and didn't get the assignment to us until two weeks before the term ended, then he changed the requirements again the week before. When we all complained that there was no way we could pull that off in the time allotted he opted not to reduce the workload, rather he declared that we could do it over break and it would be due the week before classes begin again. That would be next week so I aimed to have it complete by Sunday. Seems yesterday he discovered that grades are due tomorrow, so at 7pm last night he told us it was due the next day. 20-25 pages. Right. At the last moment, when 2/3 of the class appeared to be headed for incompletes, he did reduce it to 15-20 pages, which helped, but was still silly based on the vignette we were asked to cover. Pulled the first true all nighter I think I've done in this program... not until 2 or 3am, but until 6am this morning! Didn't know I still had that in me. Wow! Actually what I had in me was espresso, I wasn't really awake, I just had my eyes open. I had 7 pages going in, so I did the last 13 in little spurts of a few lines at a time... on and on and on. It's a forensics class, too, so I'm not as adept at navigating the search engines as I am in my own field.
There's what I get for taking actual breaks and doing this in dribs and drabs. HA! Lesson learned. 5 of us were not done so I'm feeling pleased he'll likely be up all night tonight grading just as we were writing.
If there's anything anyone would like to know about doing a child custody evaluation on an Egyptian couple involving domestic violence, child abuse, and alcoholism just let me know!
Now back to my dissertation lit review, which is something I actually enjoy. Is it just the way life is that nobody gets to work uninterrupted on their personal research, like EVER? I sure haven't run into anything like that yet...
There's what I get for taking actual breaks and doing this in dribs and drabs. HA! Lesson learned. 5 of us were not done so I'm feeling pleased he'll likely be up all night tonight grading just as we were writing.
If there's anything anyone would like to know about doing a child custody evaluation on an Egyptian couple involving domestic violence, child abuse, and alcoholism just let me know!
Now back to my dissertation lit review, which is something I actually enjoy. Is it just the way life is that nobody gets to work uninterrupted on their personal research, like EVER? I sure haven't run into anything like that yet...
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
A Toothy Memorial
I am mourning the loss of a childhood friend of the family. The man was my dentist, my father (an OBGYN) delivered his daughter, and his parents taught me to ski and installed me in the Junior Ski Patrol!
Dr. S was in a plane crash in which he lost an eye. Over time he declined precipitously, quitting dentistry, becoming an alcoholic, suffering terrible mood swings and depressions (he attempted suicide) and clearly experiencing dramatic cognitive loss. At the time everyone just shook their heads and was disgusted about how he 'fell apart' and couldn't pull himself back together. His wife divorced him and he lost nearly all of his friends. His parents took him in for awhile, and he eventually went to work for the forest service, getting a job and a small cabin at the Grand Canyon. He died there in his cabin last week of unknown causes.
Knowing what I do now it's crystal clear that he suffered the aftermath of acute traumatic brain injury. It pains me that he was so ridiculed, not the least by himself, about the changes he underwent. Only now, more than 30 years later are we beginning to have a glimmer of understanding about what goes on in the brain after TBI. It seems we had to have the ability to SEE damage to believe it was there. Until then it was just a character flaw and we declared there was no medical reason for 'bad behavior'. We have a whole new set of TBI sufferers experiencing injuries unlike anything we've seen before thanks to their excellent armor and the IEDs in this newest of wars. It struck me when I looked back over my dentist's life, that his symptoms mirror what my classmate describes when she talks about TBI in Iraqi soldiers, her specialty. After 'recovering' from the initial trauma, they look ok and that lasts about 6 months or so. Then they start to struggle. Depression sets in, mood swings, suicidality and everything I described above in the dentist. But because at the 6 month mark they look pretty intact, the military declares that whatever their problem is, it must not be related to their war trauma, so tough luck, you're on your own buddy! Worst of all, we often send them back into battle!!!
It kills me that now we know more, we may still condemn people to struggle the way Dr. S. did. I hope we can turn that around soon...
Dr. S was in a plane crash in which he lost an eye. Over time he declined precipitously, quitting dentistry, becoming an alcoholic, suffering terrible mood swings and depressions (he attempted suicide) and clearly experiencing dramatic cognitive loss. At the time everyone just shook their heads and was disgusted about how he 'fell apart' and couldn't pull himself back together. His wife divorced him and he lost nearly all of his friends. His parents took him in for awhile, and he eventually went to work for the forest service, getting a job and a small cabin at the Grand Canyon. He died there in his cabin last week of unknown causes.
Knowing what I do now it's crystal clear that he suffered the aftermath of acute traumatic brain injury. It pains me that he was so ridiculed, not the least by himself, about the changes he underwent. Only now, more than 30 years later are we beginning to have a glimmer of understanding about what goes on in the brain after TBI. It seems we had to have the ability to SEE damage to believe it was there. Until then it was just a character flaw and we declared there was no medical reason for 'bad behavior'. We have a whole new set of TBI sufferers experiencing injuries unlike anything we've seen before thanks to their excellent armor and the IEDs in this newest of wars. It struck me when I looked back over my dentist's life, that his symptoms mirror what my classmate describes when she talks about TBI in Iraqi soldiers, her specialty. After 'recovering' from the initial trauma, they look ok and that lasts about 6 months or so. Then they start to struggle. Depression sets in, mood swings, suicidality and everything I described above in the dentist. But because at the 6 month mark they look pretty intact, the military declares that whatever their problem is, it must not be related to their war trauma, so tough luck, you're on your own buddy! Worst of all, we often send them back into battle!!!
It kills me that now we know more, we may still condemn people to struggle the way Dr. S. did. I hope we can turn that around soon...
Monday, March 23, 2009
So Frustrated
No, really it's angry. ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY!!! I have been talking to the program director of the masters program about having a printed reader made this term as a result of the disaster my electronic reader turned into last term. I had three or four conversations with the PD about this and thought I made it CRYSTAL CLEAR what I wanted.
The readings were the same, but I was told I had to resend them, so I did, with the header "Reader materials for..." I never heard if they got to the librarian, despite sending two follow up e-mails to her, and neglected to physically visit her to check. Today she sent me a note saying all my readings were 'up' and she thought they were perfect, please go check. AKK! Sent back that I requested a printed reader, not an electronic one and shortly got a note from the program director that she had no idea I wanted anything printed and the deadline is past and I have to fill out this and that form with all the percentages of each book I'm printing yada yada.
Breathe! I already did all this and well before the deadline. I can't find the note where I figured the percentages and I don't have one of the books here at home. I got angry, stomped around, called both people and found them both unavailable, then sat down and cried. I was so careful and I wanted this class to go so much better than last. Last time most of the problems that made me look bad were out of my control and now here we go again. Beginning to understand why some profs seem not to stay with the times and go on requiring big expensive text books when they only want their students to read 1/3 of what's in them. I really REALLY am not a good team player because so often teams make a mess of things, you know? I could have done this myself weeks ago if I'd known it was going to be such a fucking circus.
The readings were the same, but I was told I had to resend them, so I did, with the header "Reader materials for..." I never heard if they got to the librarian, despite sending two follow up e-mails to her, and neglected to physically visit her to check. Today she sent me a note saying all my readings were 'up' and she thought they were perfect, please go check. AKK! Sent back that I requested a printed reader, not an electronic one and shortly got a note from the program director that she had no idea I wanted anything printed and the deadline is past and I have to fill out this and that form with all the percentages of each book I'm printing yada yada.
Breathe! I already did all this and well before the deadline. I can't find the note where I figured the percentages and I don't have one of the books here at home. I got angry, stomped around, called both people and found them both unavailable, then sat down and cried. I was so careful and I wanted this class to go so much better than last. Last time most of the problems that made me look bad were out of my control and now here we go again. Beginning to understand why some profs seem not to stay with the times and go on requiring big expensive text books when they only want their students to read 1/3 of what's in them. I really REALLY am not a good team player because so often teams make a mess of things, you know? I could have done this myself weeks ago if I'd known it was going to be such a fucking circus.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
I'd rather not do reasearch
I am perpetually learning things I don't want to know.
Doing research on domestic violence in Egyptian culture (hateful overdue paper for forensics class). Found this delightful tidbit:
Walker (2004 ) quotes Muhammad Omar, a columnist for the leading Arabic language daily Al Ahkbar, reacting to stories from abused women by saying,
"I didn't pity any of them, he wrote. I give every man the right to do what these men have done. Only "ugly" women are abused and that domestic violence would end if there were plastic surgery at the expense of the state."
Doing research on domestic violence in Egyptian culture (hateful overdue paper for forensics class). Found this delightful tidbit:
Walker (2004 ) quotes Muhammad Omar, a columnist for the leading Arabic language daily Al Ahkbar, reacting to stories from abused women by saying,
"I didn't pity any of them, he wrote. I give every man the right to do what these men have done. Only "ugly" women are abused and that domestic violence would end if there were plastic surgery at the expense of the state."
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Therapy Weirdness
Well I broached the subject of ending my practicum early with the executive director of the agency today and she was fine with it. Will see my supervisor tomorrow and try the idea out on him. Really he's the main reason I'm agonizing. I met this prof when I took undergrad courses to see if I wanted to enter this field 6 years ago. He taught Family Therapy and that was my first introduction to the systems model. I was instantly taken with it and this prof was such a great model he became one of my mentors over time. He's always made a big deal about me being a star student and I feel like I'm letting him down a little doing this, but hey, it's just not my thing. Family therapy yes, systems perspective always, but not couples.
I've had just one strange case after another lately. Sex addicts, unexpected suicides, homeless people wanting couples counseling, and all sorts of other interesting and unusual stuff. And then there is just the endless stream of people having lost their homes, jobs and often families all in one fell swoop. Our low cost center is flooded right now with a waiting list all the way to Egypt. I feel so utterly helpless to do anything for these people. I know they need help finding their own resilience, but it's such heartbreaking work. =(
I've had just one strange case after another lately. Sex addicts, unexpected suicides, homeless people wanting couples counseling, and all sorts of other interesting and unusual stuff. And then there is just the endless stream of people having lost their homes, jobs and often families all in one fell swoop. Our low cost center is flooded right now with a waiting list all the way to Egypt. I feel so utterly helpless to do anything for these people. I know they need help finding their own resilience, but it's such heartbreaking work. =(
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Hooray for Breaks!!!
Three whole weeks without classes! Oh bliss. Oh joy!
I'm not as happy as I could be because I have a 20-25 page paper to write this week and I have to get my grades in for my class, but at least I don't have to drive down south every week and no new work is being piled on. Then just ONE MORE QUARTER and I'll be done with coursework entirely. What a concept! After 6 years of classes I'm not sure how to live any other way.
Of course just as I see a hint of light for a normal life The County is asking me for more hours. They're dumping full time employees willy nilly and need the spaces filled. I could do one or two days a week all summer and it would be a huge financial help, but I still have my practicum 2 days a week and I want my dissertation done. So I'm thinking of cutting my practicum short. I don't like the work much and I have my required hours and then some. I know those 7 weeks are going to FLY by, and I want my dissertation done. 2 days a week making money and earning MFTI hours sounds more attractive than doing couples therapy for free when I have definitely decided this isn't what I want to do. Hmm...
Today I'll get my class stuff wrapped up and then decide if I want to do my paper this weekend or put my feet up and do it during the week instead. I have to do more lit review on my dissertation and find an outside expert, but I want to carve out one or two big blocks of vacation time so I really feel I did get some break. A friend was making fun of me the other day about "Oh how hard it must be to be a student all the time and have to go to school for TWO DAYS every week, boo hoo." You know, there's just no way for someone outside this world to really grasp what it's like. I'm thinking a plain old 40 hour per week job is going to be so much easier!
I'm not as happy as I could be because I have a 20-25 page paper to write this week and I have to get my grades in for my class, but at least I don't have to drive down south every week and no new work is being piled on. Then just ONE MORE QUARTER and I'll be done with coursework entirely. What a concept! After 6 years of classes I'm not sure how to live any other way.
Of course just as I see a hint of light for a normal life The County is asking me for more hours. They're dumping full time employees willy nilly and need the spaces filled. I could do one or two days a week all summer and it would be a huge financial help, but I still have my practicum 2 days a week and I want my dissertation done. So I'm thinking of cutting my practicum short. I don't like the work much and I have my required hours and then some. I know those 7 weeks are going to FLY by, and I want my dissertation done. 2 days a week making money and earning MFTI hours sounds more attractive than doing couples therapy for free when I have definitely decided this isn't what I want to do. Hmm...
Today I'll get my class stuff wrapped up and then decide if I want to do my paper this weekend or put my feet up and do it during the week instead. I have to do more lit review on my dissertation and find an outside expert, but I want to carve out one or two big blocks of vacation time so I really feel I did get some break. A friend was making fun of me the other day about "Oh how hard it must be to be a student all the time and have to go to school for TWO DAYS every week, boo hoo." You know, there's just no way for someone outside this world to really grasp what it's like. I'm thinking a plain old 40 hour per week job is going to be so much easier!
Saturday, March 07, 2009
Spring is Sprung...
The grass is riz
I wonder where the birdies is?
But I don't. They're all over the place and my own birds are all cranked up, yelling and shouting at the influx of migratories and all around signing and squabbling and courting.
Mowed the lawn at last. I was getting concerned that if we didn't do it soon it was going to turn into a miserable job. If we let it go the undergrowth gets so thick it's too much for the mower and we have to weed whack something just shy of 2 acres, which is NOT fun. So the place looks much tidier now and smells wonderful and my allergies aren't even too bad, amazingly. Somehow all that mown grass made our little cat want to graze and she's been hurking up blades of grass all over the house, or was until I pitched her out.
Left my curling iron down where I go to school, dammit! I've been leaving something nearly every week the past three weeks so it must be time for a break. Just one more trip and I have three weeks off. Woo hoo!
The program wide mixer I was putting together went really well, despite my frustration along the way. Everyone wanted to do it again, so we've got one set for the second week of next term. GOT to find a way to fund it though, because this one was too much out of my pocket. We may be able to get reimbursed, but it's not certain. So do any of you out there in grad school pay student government fees as part of your tuition package? If so, how much?
I wonder where the birdies is?
But I don't. They're all over the place and my own birds are all cranked up, yelling and shouting at the influx of migratories and all around signing and squabbling and courting.
Mowed the lawn at last. I was getting concerned that if we didn't do it soon it was going to turn into a miserable job. If we let it go the undergrowth gets so thick it's too much for the mower and we have to weed whack something just shy of 2 acres, which is NOT fun. So the place looks much tidier now and smells wonderful and my allergies aren't even too bad, amazingly. Somehow all that mown grass made our little cat want to graze and she's been hurking up blades of grass all over the house, or was until I pitched her out.
Left my curling iron down where I go to school, dammit! I've been leaving something nearly every week the past three weeks so it must be time for a break. Just one more trip and I have three weeks off. Woo hoo!
The program wide mixer I was putting together went really well, despite my frustration along the way. Everyone wanted to do it again, so we've got one set for the second week of next term. GOT to find a way to fund it though, because this one was too much out of my pocket. We may be able to get reimbursed, but it's not certain. So do any of you out there in grad school pay student government fees as part of your tuition package? If so, how much?
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