I have this theory about how Library Databases have become so complex and interconnected they have evolved into a single creature. They are one big body and they see me as a disease organism.
It's like this. At first I do a search for something and I find it, no sweat, but pretty soon that avenue stops working for me and I can't get any full text data anymore. So I fumble around for awhile and then BINGO, I mutate by finding a new direction for my search and for a day or two it's sweet; I get full text every time and life is good. But then the library system figures out what I'm doing and it creates antibodies to me and all at once I'm no longer seeing the full text PDF link, instead I get the onerous "Find it" button and there are no holdings in my university's libraries or anything on EJC.... time passes and I mutate again, and The Library quickly builds antibodies to me and around we go. If I get past the immune system too often The Library goes to the doctor and gets a shot of antibiotics and my passwords stop working. I swear to you, I can document the whole process...
Thank God for WeDeliver.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Always with the surveys...
So I got yet another grad student research survey sent to me today. I do as many as I can because you never know when you'll need the favor returned, you know? But today's just SUCKED! I mean, what committee let those questions get by, anyway? I'm really hoping this was a pilot and not the real McCoy here. There was a 'is there anything else about this topic you'd like tell us' text box at the end so I used that to describe how many ways the survey sucked. Diplomatically I thought, but unequivocally.
Soooo tired tonight. How can one busy therapy day be so overwhelming anyway? Had a good talk with my supervisor about where I am in this process and came to the conclusion that I need to S T O P and regroup in a major way. That's going to involve not fussing over dissertation for a week or two as well, but I think I need it. I cannot go on spending hours and hours staring unproductively at my computer screen with nary a coherent thought in sight. I do great work in my head just before I get out of bed each morning, but that's as far as it goes.
On the up side though, I am feeling pretty good about my current clients. Everyone is winding up therapy because I'm due to leave soon, so I haven't taken new cases for awhile (but for intakes). I told my supervisor a few weeks ago that I think I'm going backward. I don't even feel I'm doing as good a job as I did when I was a masters trainee! He said something about thesis, antithesis and synthesis and me being at the anti point. I think it may also just be that I'm slowly but surely calming down and slowing down. Nevermind the slowing is a little premature, it seems to be allowing me to think more clearly in my therapy anyway. Thank heavens for small blessings, eh?
Soooo tired tonight. How can one busy therapy day be so overwhelming anyway? Had a good talk with my supervisor about where I am in this process and came to the conclusion that I need to S T O P and regroup in a major way. That's going to involve not fussing over dissertation for a week or two as well, but I think I need it. I cannot go on spending hours and hours staring unproductively at my computer screen with nary a coherent thought in sight. I do great work in my head just before I get out of bed each morning, but that's as far as it goes.
On the up side though, I am feeling pretty good about my current clients. Everyone is winding up therapy because I'm due to leave soon, so I haven't taken new cases for awhile (but for intakes). I told my supervisor a few weeks ago that I think I'm going backward. I don't even feel I'm doing as good a job as I did when I was a masters trainee! He said something about thesis, antithesis and synthesis and me being at the anti point. I think it may also just be that I'm slowly but surely calming down and slowing down. Nevermind the slowing is a little premature, it seems to be allowing me to think more clearly in my therapy anyway. Thank heavens for small blessings, eh?
Saturday, May 23, 2009
The Waiting Game
Tap tap tap tap tap goes my foot. I had all three MRIs on Friday morning. Skipped school that day to get it done since so much time had passed while I tried to price shop. Note to self and anyone else as naive as I: DO NOT try to price shop for insured health services. You'll die of your ailment or possibly old age before you figure out who the hell is going to charge what.
In the end my insurance still refused to pay for two of the three tests, but at least all of the cost went on my deductable. How that works is beyond me. Frankly there are some things so loathsome to study I'd rather not know. Blech!
So now I hurry up and wait for Tuesday or so, when hopefully my doc will call me with the news that has been passed along to her. In the mean time I have plenty to do: another 15-20 page paper on mediation, a workshop presentation for an applied forensics class, a custody evaluation to write and my desperately far behind dissertation! Still and all, it's a long weekend and I have only one client on Monday, so I am taking a little personal time. It wouldn't really make a difference if I closeted myself and worked solidly all three days because I simply cannot focus these days. I dunno if it's "senioritis" or burnout or what, but my mind and my schoolwork are like two positive ends of a magnet being pressed together. ZIP! they shoot away from each other. Sigh.
Tomorrow AR and I are going to see Star Trek. AR has some heavy duty social anxiety and theaters are pretty much off his list of things he does, but I've talked him into giving it the team try, even waving my bottle of untouched Atavan at him and promising a nice lunch beforehand. (doing a matinee since it's been out long enough most kids have seen it) He too wants to see it on the big screen. I'll report back if it actually happens!
In the mean time I am going to take my fat, elevated cholesterol bod over to the Dance Dance Revolution pad and stomp off a few calories before in-home movie time... but Gods the music is so bad!!!
In the end my insurance still refused to pay for two of the three tests, but at least all of the cost went on my deductable. How that works is beyond me. Frankly there are some things so loathsome to study I'd rather not know. Blech!
So now I hurry up and wait for Tuesday or so, when hopefully my doc will call me with the news that has been passed along to her. In the mean time I have plenty to do: another 15-20 page paper on mediation, a workshop presentation for an applied forensics class, a custody evaluation to write and my desperately far behind dissertation! Still and all, it's a long weekend and I have only one client on Monday, so I am taking a little personal time. It wouldn't really make a difference if I closeted myself and worked solidly all three days because I simply cannot focus these days. I dunno if it's "senioritis" or burnout or what, but my mind and my schoolwork are like two positive ends of a magnet being pressed together. ZIP! they shoot away from each other. Sigh.
Tomorrow AR and I are going to see Star Trek. AR has some heavy duty social anxiety and theaters are pretty much off his list of things he does, but I've talked him into giving it the team try, even waving my bottle of untouched Atavan at him and promising a nice lunch beforehand. (doing a matinee since it's been out long enough most kids have seen it) He too wants to see it on the big screen. I'll report back if it actually happens!
In the mean time I am going to take my fat, elevated cholesterol bod over to the Dance Dance Revolution pad and stomp off a few calories before in-home movie time... but Gods the music is so bad!!!
Sunday, May 17, 2009
UP!!!
Great results on my mid-quarter evaluations from my students this time. NOT ONE nastygram. Hooray! As a matter of fact, not even any negative feedback at all, so I look like the messiah on these evals. Hmm... I'd love to say it's all about me having improved so much, but I think some of it is simply a cohort effect. The last cohort hated testing and this one loves it. In the last one only 1 student in 9 wanted to go on to a doctoral (and that in depth psych) and in this one 7 of 11 want to go on in clinical or educational psych.
The down side to all this is that their homework is way higher quality and requires far more thought and time on my part. They write more and in much more depth. Loving the group though, and who doesn't like a nice pat (or 11) on the back from time to time?
Blood tests were all negative so that's good on the health front. Still haven't had the MRIs. Tried to price shop and found that was wasting alot of time because places don't want to give you a price unless you schedule an appt, so I had to go out far enough to cancel without a fee. They're not calling back with prices and they're not open on weekends so tomorrow I'm simply going to bite the bullet and set an appt with the first one on the list. I'll move client appts around if need be.
Lots of deep thoughts this week and great discussions at school with teachers and students. I thrive on that kind of stuff so I'm very happy. I have lots of work to do, but ideas on what to do for each assignment so that makes it easier to dig in. Still no ideas for an external expert for my dissertation though, which is the number one thing I wanted to accomplish this quarter. Ah well, still 4 weeks left to find one.
Oh... my masters class is pushed out another week so I have to go down to teach but my own program didn't go that route. Sucks to drive down for just 3 hours. Damn. And my grading has taken a whole day today so my income per hour is going down down down. Oh well...
The down side to all this is that their homework is way higher quality and requires far more thought and time on my part. They write more and in much more depth. Loving the group though, and who doesn't like a nice pat (or 11) on the back from time to time?
Blood tests were all negative so that's good on the health front. Still haven't had the MRIs. Tried to price shop and found that was wasting alot of time because places don't want to give you a price unless you schedule an appt, so I had to go out far enough to cancel without a fee. They're not calling back with prices and they're not open on weekends so tomorrow I'm simply going to bite the bullet and set an appt with the first one on the list. I'll move client appts around if need be.
Lots of deep thoughts this week and great discussions at school with teachers and students. I thrive on that kind of stuff so I'm very happy. I have lots of work to do, but ideas on what to do for each assignment so that makes it easier to dig in. Still no ideas for an external expert for my dissertation though, which is the number one thing I wanted to accomplish this quarter. Ah well, still 4 weeks left to find one.
Oh... my masters class is pushed out another week so I have to go down to teach but my own program didn't go that route. Sucks to drive down for just 3 hours. Damn. And my grading has taken a whole day today so my income per hour is going down down down. Oh well...
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Ups Downs; Ins Outs
Wow.. the past two days have been quite the roller coaster ride. Monday brought lab results saying everything is normal but for my cholesterol is a tad elevated. Whew! Then off to see the Nurse Practitioner for the new doc since he isn't available for a couple of months. Did all my paperwork and left with lots of time to spare only to discover that the place was unfindable and I'd forgotten my cell phone. SHIT! Finally found it inside the hospital, but nowhere on their business cards does it say they are in there, nor is the street number posted anywhere, NOR is the name of the medical group anywhere on the building. I was NOT impressed and not on time. They were NOT impressed and rescheduled me for later that day. The place was a zoo and the staff was all wooden. They didn't provide me with a copy of my HIPPA rights but asked me to sign for one. When I asked for a copy they gave me one of the paper I signed instead. Gah!!! Should have gotten a clue right then.
Later that day I got caught in a really nasty/scary domestic violence intake and couldn't get free for my appointment. It was a near thing with calling 911 and resulted in a gathering of the clinical committee to discuss what the hell to do about the increasing risk level of our clientele. I called the medical place right when I should have been there and let them know I was stuck in a crisis beyond my control. They rescheduled me for this morning and said that since I'd done my paperwork there was no need to come early.
Got there on the dot and found the only receptionist on the phone. She motioned me to sit down. A few minutes later she got off the phone and gestured for me to come back up to the desk, asking who I was there to see. She then shouted into the back for someone to come check patients in please (there were two others waiting with me, both with the same appointment times as mine) The woman who came out scowled at me and said "you're late again, I don't know if she'll take you" and walked away. Another few minutes went by and she returned to inform me that because I had been late three times in a row they wouldn't see me at all, now or ever. No, there was nobody else in the group who could and no, she would not give me a referral. She insisted that I walked in right as she walked out and was NOT on time and sitting there all along. She also insisted that I had been told to be there 10 minutes early. It was infuriating, embarrassing and humiliating all at once.
The moment I was in my car I called my GYN's office and they said no problem, she has no openings today but if you come by this afternoon she'll squeeze you in somehow. She did, and was absolutely wonderful. Signed everything, gave me generic scripts for MRI testing so I can shop around (discovered the place originally ordered is quite pricey compared to others) and told me to call her immediately if anyone gave me any trouble at all. All that and she didn't charge me a dime. She did chastise me gently for not calling her in the first place. She said, "I AM your primary care physician!" rather huffily. LOL!
So a huge thank you to Battle Weary for the heads up. A huge smack upside my own head for not realizing I could do that. A foul gesture at the clinic that made my life so fucking hard and all feed lot style 'move em through' clinics in the world. Despite all the misery, I'm actually quite glad I dodged that bullet. I suspect I'd have been very unhappy with that style of care. Later, as I was thinking about the differences between mental health ethics and medical ethics it occurred to me that if I had their perspective, that my client was confused, disoriented and unable to follow simple directions, I might consider whether that was part of the presenting problem! Yet when I pleaded with the woman at the desk that I had a lump on the back of my neck and numbness in my hand and foot it had no impact on her whatsoever. I can't decide if it was because maybe she was supposed to be at the desk and now three people were going to be late coming in because of her, or if it was that she truly thought I was a deadbeat.
Now if only I could get my head back into school. Everything has been pushed out a week because the campus was closed due to the fire so that's a drag, but it also means they won't try to load us down with extra work in a shorter time frame. I made good progress on my dissertation over the weekend... relatively speaking... but am beginning to panic about how far I have to go.
I feel like I'm pulling back into the fast lane of a crowded highway again after having had a massive wreck. I suppose there may be more bumps to come as the testing is scheduled and so forth, but at least I feel really good about my doctor.
Later that day I got caught in a really nasty/scary domestic violence intake and couldn't get free for my appointment. It was a near thing with calling 911 and resulted in a gathering of the clinical committee to discuss what the hell to do about the increasing risk level of our clientele. I called the medical place right when I should have been there and let them know I was stuck in a crisis beyond my control. They rescheduled me for this morning and said that since I'd done my paperwork there was no need to come early.
Got there on the dot and found the only receptionist on the phone. She motioned me to sit down. A few minutes later she got off the phone and gestured for me to come back up to the desk, asking who I was there to see. She then shouted into the back for someone to come check patients in please (there were two others waiting with me, both with the same appointment times as mine) The woman who came out scowled at me and said "you're late again, I don't know if she'll take you" and walked away. Another few minutes went by and she returned to inform me that because I had been late three times in a row they wouldn't see me at all, now or ever. No, there was nobody else in the group who could and no, she would not give me a referral. She insisted that I walked in right as she walked out and was NOT on time and sitting there all along. She also insisted that I had been told to be there 10 minutes early. It was infuriating, embarrassing and humiliating all at once.
The moment I was in my car I called my GYN's office and they said no problem, she has no openings today but if you come by this afternoon she'll squeeze you in somehow. She did, and was absolutely wonderful. Signed everything, gave me generic scripts for MRI testing so I can shop around (discovered the place originally ordered is quite pricey compared to others) and told me to call her immediately if anyone gave me any trouble at all. All that and she didn't charge me a dime. She did chastise me gently for not calling her in the first place. She said, "I AM your primary care physician!" rather huffily. LOL!
So a huge thank you to Battle Weary for the heads up. A huge smack upside my own head for not realizing I could do that. A foul gesture at the clinic that made my life so fucking hard and all feed lot style 'move em through' clinics in the world. Despite all the misery, I'm actually quite glad I dodged that bullet. I suspect I'd have been very unhappy with that style of care. Later, as I was thinking about the differences between mental health ethics and medical ethics it occurred to me that if I had their perspective, that my client was confused, disoriented and unable to follow simple directions, I might consider whether that was part of the presenting problem! Yet when I pleaded with the woman at the desk that I had a lump on the back of my neck and numbness in my hand and foot it had no impact on her whatsoever. I can't decide if it was because maybe she was supposed to be at the desk and now three people were going to be late coming in because of her, or if it was that she truly thought I was a deadbeat.
Now if only I could get my head back into school. Everything has been pushed out a week because the campus was closed due to the fire so that's a drag, but it also means they won't try to load us down with extra work in a shorter time frame. I made good progress on my dissertation over the weekend... relatively speaking... but am beginning to panic about how far I have to go.
I feel like I'm pulling back into the fast lane of a crowded highway again after having had a massive wreck. I suppose there may be more bumps to come as the testing is scheduled and so forth, but at least I feel really good about my doctor.
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
Weeks like this I don't need...
Yowsa, WHAT a week!
First, I have had tingling in my left hand and some in the foot for about 6 weeks now. Thought it might be a pinched nerve or back problem. You know... school, lack of money and all that jazz... thought I'd go get it checked at the end of the quarter. So then two nights ago I run my hand up the back of my neck and there is a gigantic LUMP there! Instant adrenal surge. "OMG, I have a malignant tumor on my spine and I'm going to DIE" said my amygdala. Shit!
Got it checked out yesterday and the best guess is that it's a sebaceous cyst. It's not in the lymphatic area, rather directly over bone, so it's unlikely it's a tumor. I had blood drawn this morning and I'm in the works to have MRIs of brain/spine/neck shortly to cover all the bases. Hopefully the numbness and lump are unrelated and both will be easily treatable issues. In the mean time I swing from carefree to sheer terror every few hours. Nights are worst so I stay up late and keep busy. Not a huge effort for a student.
Then tonight I logged onto my puter only to find my school was closed due to a nearby fire. Hard to say now if the same will be true tomorrow night for my class. I think my landlady has evacuated, too. While I have no desire for the fire to keep burning, I confess that having my class canceled wouldn't break my heart.
All that and it's only Tuesday!
******************* UPDATE **************************
Wed night now and my school is in the mandatory evacuation zone (so much for being secretive about where I am) and is closed through Sunday. No teaching tonight, but I'll have to figure out how to make up the time with my students.
My insurance company is refusing to pay for my MRI studies because I don't have a primary care physician. Sigh. I go to an urgent care place for GP kinda stuff because I already have too many doctors to see annually and rarely need anything that I wouldn't have to go to an urgent care place for anyway, even if I did have a PCP. My GYN pretty much covers the primary care role for me, so I've never seen a need to add another doc to the mix. I contacted an internist who is affiliated with the urgent care place and is a family care practitioner. Hopefully he can order the same tests and my insurance will pay. I'm waiting for my records to be transferred to his office so that they can schedule me. Anyway, I'm steamed that they would play games like this over something so serious. I honestly believe that insurance companies and our medical system in this nation cause at least as many illnesses as they help to heal! So you might have a malignant tumor on your spine? Ok, just go see this doctor and keep seeing him consistently for a couple of years and we'll think about helping you pay for some tests... gimme a fucking BREAK!!!
I can pay for all three MRIs if I have to, and will if they jerk me around much longer. It will be a major financial blow though. It just sucks to feel so utterly unsupported. Yeah, I can pay for these tests, but if the results indicate heavy duty medical interventions then it looks like I might be SOL in the short term simply because they object to my choice of a medical team, which is NOT anywhere in my policy that I can find!!! This is a PPO, not an HMO. Oh pooh, I'll just try to think positively and assume there's nothing much to find anyway...
First, I have had tingling in my left hand and some in the foot for about 6 weeks now. Thought it might be a pinched nerve or back problem. You know... school, lack of money and all that jazz... thought I'd go get it checked at the end of the quarter. So then two nights ago I run my hand up the back of my neck and there is a gigantic LUMP there! Instant adrenal surge. "OMG, I have a malignant tumor on my spine and I'm going to DIE" said my amygdala. Shit!
Got it checked out yesterday and the best guess is that it's a sebaceous cyst. It's not in the lymphatic area, rather directly over bone, so it's unlikely it's a tumor. I had blood drawn this morning and I'm in the works to have MRIs of brain/spine/neck shortly to cover all the bases. Hopefully the numbness and lump are unrelated and both will be easily treatable issues. In the mean time I swing from carefree to sheer terror every few hours. Nights are worst so I stay up late and keep busy. Not a huge effort for a student.
Then tonight I logged onto my puter only to find my school was closed due to a nearby fire. Hard to say now if the same will be true tomorrow night for my class. I think my landlady has evacuated, too. While I have no desire for the fire to keep burning, I confess that having my class canceled wouldn't break my heart.
All that and it's only Tuesday!
******************* UPDATE **************************
Wed night now and my school is in the mandatory evacuation zone (so much for being secretive about where I am) and is closed through Sunday. No teaching tonight, but I'll have to figure out how to make up the time with my students.
My insurance company is refusing to pay for my MRI studies because I don't have a primary care physician. Sigh. I go to an urgent care place for GP kinda stuff because I already have too many doctors to see annually and rarely need anything that I wouldn't have to go to an urgent care place for anyway, even if I did have a PCP. My GYN pretty much covers the primary care role for me, so I've never seen a need to add another doc to the mix. I contacted an internist who is affiliated with the urgent care place and is a family care practitioner. Hopefully he can order the same tests and my insurance will pay. I'm waiting for my records to be transferred to his office so that they can schedule me. Anyway, I'm steamed that they would play games like this over something so serious. I honestly believe that insurance companies and our medical system in this nation cause at least as many illnesses as they help to heal! So you might have a malignant tumor on your spine? Ok, just go see this doctor and keep seeing him consistently for a couple of years and we'll think about helping you pay for some tests... gimme a fucking BREAK!!!
I can pay for all three MRIs if I have to, and will if they jerk me around much longer. It will be a major financial blow though. It just sucks to feel so utterly unsupported. Yeah, I can pay for these tests, but if the results indicate heavy duty medical interventions then it looks like I might be SOL in the short term simply because they object to my choice of a medical team, which is NOT anywhere in my policy that I can find!!! This is a PPO, not an HMO. Oh pooh, I'll just try to think positively and assume there's nothing much to find anyway...
Saturday, May 02, 2009
Why Today?
This has been a terrible allergy week and the thing I struggle with most in the peak of hayfever season (which I fear we haven't even reached yet) is that my eyes itch and burn and swell shut. When it's bad enough I'll have swelling well down into my tear ducts so that my face looks like a lumpy puffer fish and has blotches all over. For whatever reason I always suffer more in my university town than at home. So this morning was a puffer fish morning and wouldn't you know it, our Clinical Director asked me to give a 15 minute impromptu talk, ON VIDEO, to show to the 3rd years in preparation for the APPIC process. The poor buggers. As if it isn't bad enough they have to go through this at all, they get to kick it off watching a video of a wheezing puffer fish. Gah.
I decided to call in sick and just came home. Couldn't sleep though, because my head was too full and the back of my throat itched too much, so I've been at the neighbors' listening to the rain pound on their awning. I love rain and we need more, AND it washes the damned pollen out of the air, so if all goes well maybe tomorrow I'll be able to breathe again.
On more intellectual topics than snot in my brain, I seem to be clashing more and more with my teachers and supervisors. I wonder what that's about? I have always said what I thought and been quick to comment in classes, but somehow lately my comments seem to be perpetually at odds with one mentorish figure or other. Is this a rite of passage, developmental milestone, or just a nasty case of narcissism? Today at least I wasn't alone. Came to loggerheads with my only male classmate over perspectives on a divorce/custody mediation video. He absolutely hated the woman and completely exonerated the man. The prof had a similar, if less intense, response. After a few moments of impassioned discussion I realized this was a gender/cultural misunderstanding. At least one of my classmates argued as vehemently as I, and two others agreed with us in the hallway. It was a bummer though, because the (male) mediator had the same view as the two men in our class and as far as I was concerned it undermined his entire performance. The prof thought the mediator's interventions were 'masterful' while I thought they were insensitive and biased. So I didn't get much out of the class and the whole episode undermined my respect for the prof's ability to teach me this new subject in any usable way.
I hope I can get this argumentativeness out of my system before Intership begins. Humble humble humble. I get just 7 weeks to feel superior for finishing my coursework and then I get to go back to the bottom of the pile.
I decided to call in sick and just came home. Couldn't sleep though, because my head was too full and the back of my throat itched too much, so I've been at the neighbors' listening to the rain pound on their awning. I love rain and we need more, AND it washes the damned pollen out of the air, so if all goes well maybe tomorrow I'll be able to breathe again.
On more intellectual topics than snot in my brain, I seem to be clashing more and more with my teachers and supervisors. I wonder what that's about? I have always said what I thought and been quick to comment in classes, but somehow lately my comments seem to be perpetually at odds with one mentorish figure or other. Is this a rite of passage, developmental milestone, or just a nasty case of narcissism? Today at least I wasn't alone. Came to loggerheads with my only male classmate over perspectives on a divorce/custody mediation video. He absolutely hated the woman and completely exonerated the man. The prof had a similar, if less intense, response. After a few moments of impassioned discussion I realized this was a gender/cultural misunderstanding. At least one of my classmates argued as vehemently as I, and two others agreed with us in the hallway. It was a bummer though, because the (male) mediator had the same view as the two men in our class and as far as I was concerned it undermined his entire performance. The prof thought the mediator's interventions were 'masterful' while I thought they were insensitive and biased. So I didn't get much out of the class and the whole episode undermined my respect for the prof's ability to teach me this new subject in any usable way.
I hope I can get this argumentativeness out of my system before Intership begins. Humble humble humble. I get just 7 weeks to feel superior for finishing my coursework and then I get to go back to the bottom of the pile.
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