Rolling with the waves

Well it's finally hitting me; the reality of my endlessly sleeping little friend. Somehow thoughts of her are hopelessly intertwined with my cockatiels and a trip to see them today set off the first wave. I had to pull over to the side of the road I was sobbing so hard. My young friend is gone, but she's not gone. I can go see her whenever I want, but she's not a part of my life anymore in so many important ways. And my little feathered friends are also gone but not gone. I can visit them, too, but they are no longer mine in the way they were.

They knew each other; she often took care of my birds for me when she lived nearby. Her cockatiels remembered mine when they met at our vet, after a separation of 6 years! Her birds say my birds names. I can't imagine she would approve of my bird trading this past week... and it happened within 24 hours of her fall into slumber. What does that mean?

I find when I feel sad about them it triggers my grief for I. I even caught myself toying with the thought that I could take them back and then... then what might happen to I? Would she come back too? Magical thinking. Or is that the B in DABDA?

Do I need to let go of both them and her, or is it the opposite? Or is her negative loss compensated by the positive gain of their loss, since theirs was for everyone's well being? But their loss to me doesn't feel all that positive. As a matter of fact I feel like a lump of stinking shit for giving them away. I have no idea if this is the right choice. It was a choice, and maybe it was a better choice than staying together when we were less than happy. What choices will be made about my young friend? Will they be the right ones? My kingdom for a crystal ball...