I have proclaimed that 2010 will rock and I am sticking to my guns. So why am I posting this at 1:30 in the morning and why am I getting angrier and angrier by the minute? Apparently there is a problem with me being resilient. Perhaps if my functioning before this internship was excellent and my performance afterward continues to be excellent, it might suggest that what happened was about the internship, and not about me being broken. So now it seems that it is an ethical breach for me to start another internship right away because I am so gravely impaired that I need to sit around bleeding for a few months before I even think about getting back on the horse... even if I am at a site where I've worked before and am completely at home with the work and the supervisors. Even if I start up cautiously, part-time, and even if I am simultaneously in therapy, working through what happened at their site. There are those who feel so strongly about this that they felt the need to call and make decidedly unsubtle threats to my school about writing to the Board of Psychology if I was allowed to start a new internship, and wouldn't that be a terrible thing for the APA accreditation process of a burgeoning young program?
I have thus far chosen not to file any formal complaints against my supervisor or the site, nor to appeal the loss of 700 clinical hours. I'm concerned about the possibility that even if I am successful, it could do harm to my professional reputation, especially in such a small community. I have been told that I have a very strong case, but I would still prefer to move on and be satisfied that the director of the overarching, state-wide consortium promised me that there would be substantive changes to the internship as a result of my feedback. But now come these threats. My school is fielding this for me for the moment and most likely I won't be held back for more than a week or two, so I'm going to consider this slop over from 2009 and not sully this lovely new year with it yet.
My Director of Training at the school was shocked by some of the details of my supervision experience and it is possible that the school may file complaints even if I don't. In that case this may drag on for some time to come. Much as a part of me wants to see these people go down in flames, I really just want to live and let live, and hope my resignation and my feedback is enough to change things for the next intern in line. So I guess I'll do a reframe and say that if they want a showdown, then this time around I am not going to allow myself to be the victim, and that will make the experience positive, and not negative.
Now I'm off to hit the NyQuil so maybe I can at least make some progress on my dissertation tomorrow. Phooey.
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4 comments:
It can be really hard in these situations not to want resolution NOW, especially if it's holding back from what you want. I have to say in the same situation I'd also be inclined not to rock the boat too hard, because I wouldn't want to damage my (young!) career options either.
I would consider the time off time in which you can focus on other things? Maybe make a big step forward on the diss?
(((Mamabeek)))
Thanks Psychgirl; for the thoughts and for the hug!
I'm trying to do what you're suggesting and focus on productive things. I pity my poor therapist in our next session though... I can't make up my mind if I want to scream, cry or throttle someone. It sucks to be so far down in the pecking order and to have so much at stake. There are all kinds of laws to protect my rights, but none to protect me from being blacklisted if I advocate for them.
I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. I relate more than you know (though I'm sure bits and pieces have come through on my blog), and I really sympathize. The most important thing is that you're on your way to a better place. It would have been so much worse to stay in the bad situation.
These transitions are often messy and uncomfortable, and can cause a lot of grief and pain -- but one day you will be far away from the whole situation, on the other side.
Be kind to yourself during all of this! Let yourself cry or be mad when you need to, and make plenty of time for comforts and relaxation.
Hang in there, it seems like a tough situation all around.
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